A Man Rarely Should Be Measured By The Length Of His Socks
By Mark Curry

Men, women, children the world over. Hear my call. Perk up and listen close. For you are about to rediscover life. And by "rediscover life I mean, read an article about socks. So Autobots, roll out.

There are a multitude of socks in this world. Short, long, a rainbow of colors, even some with glove-like mini toe socky thingies (why they don’t make them big enough for a guy with size 13 feet I do not yet understand.) Yet of this wonderful bounty, there are those who would choose to go sockless. Leading to a life of rotten shoes and sometimes rotten feet. No, I don’t think there is anything particularly wrong about going sockless, for in my youth I have found many a day best barefoot. Or barefoot aside from shoes. But I would just like to show those proud sock bearers someone is thinking about them. And frankly, proud of them.

In my opinion a sock is a weird sort of thing. These pieces of fabric between the foot and the shoe absorb moisture, provide warmth and comfort, and get made fun of by youths if you wear the wrong kind without long pants (I say long pants, for I have heard of short pants and I didn‘t want to confuse any of my younger fans). Versatile as clothing gets, the ability to make socks talk is an art unto itself. Nothing like a sock puppet to make the kids (and sometimes adults) all giddy and wondrous.

Now the question arises, how big are Bigfoot’s feet, and does he wear socks. This is an obvious and profound question that certainly needs answered, for it may reveal to us if indeed sasquatches, yetis, bigfoots, or any of their ilk are actually the missing link. In my mind, I sometimes consider that the main reason man diverged so greatly from apes since the ancestral origins: We have socks. I figure bigfoot wears early evening formal wear for the Misunderstood By Humans Ball, including socks and top hats, to stand out from the crowd of "lower life forms".

I hate to mention the Misunderstood By Humans Ball without some sort of explanation. This Ball was established in the early 1800s for monsters, freaks, and mysteries to get together and complain about the species of Man. Oh, and to dance. And play dirty monster make-out games, like "15 Minutes Of Shrieking Horror". Anyways.

I like socks. I’ve worn them. I sometimes don’t, but normally I do. And I have different socks, short and long. Gray ankles and toes are nice…let you know that you are putting them on correctly or not. They are fun and lightweight, though not always as cheap as I would like. But then again, not having money usually hinders shopping.

Well this was certainly riveting. If you enjoyed this, send me a message. Let me know what other topics you would like me to discuss.