Vampire Secrets: They Were Fond Of Hard Candies And Other Facts Exposed!
By Mark Curry

You?ve probably herd of vampires. They exist in different forms all the way back to the ancient civilizations Greece and China. They are used quite often in fiction, and are a popular theme in many Halloween celebrations. You?ve all heard that they can change into bats, and love the taste of life?s sweet nectar (Blood, not Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper, though that?s good too.) Those well versed may discuss their ability to become wolves, or mist-or their hypnotizing charms. But I have discovered more about the so called ?children of the night? and I?m presenting it to you here and now. Why? Cause me crazy, but I?m all about Journalistic integrity, no matter what the big wigs at the asylum say.

Vampires are usually used in the same sentence with suck as in ?I want to suck your blood?, but more over, they suck hard candies. Dracula himself is said to greatly enjoy root beer barrels. Legions of vampires raided the ?Butterscotch and Cinnamon Disc Outlet? out in Saint Louis, leaving nothing but plastic wrappers on the ground, and a faint stench of the undead in the air. Hard candies are usually made in such a large quantity that many vampires may feed, and there would still be enough to be packaged and sold. There is a delicate balance. Also, this explains why there are no Garlic-flavored hard candies.

Also, their ?oh so drab? dressing in black? Not for all of them. Most vampires glorified in film and stories are in fact but one clique of the vampire nation ?Goth Vampires?. They tend to listen to death metal and wear eyeliner. A little known group of vampires are really into thick rimmed glasses and expressing their feelings. These are ?Emo Vampires? and they are usually seen wearing a Dashboard Confessional shirt, and crying. Usually over the fact that now that they bit their girlfriend, she has moved on to the bigger, cooler vampires. The worst part is, a stake hurts so much less then rejection, when it comes to the heart. There are also ?Nerd Vampires? (brainy, and possibly the reasoning behind Thomas Edison?s intelligence), ?Jock Vampires? (Aggressive, tend to get old and force their vampire kids to join sports), ?Hick Vampires? (Chewing tobacco, pickup trucks and ignorance are key characteristics here?possibly a Confederate flag here and there) and ?El Chupacabra? (The goat sucker.) Like dogs, vampires have all sorts of breeds. Or like humans. Yeah, more like humans. Since they look like people. Unless they change into something else. Anyways.

Also, they love cartoons. Many cartoons. Usually ones on late at night, like Adult Swim and classic Hanna-Barbera Cartoons. But there are those that put them selves at risk and come out Saturday morning to see what?s new. These days, there isn?t much, but it?s all generally satisfying to vampires. Animation feeds their hunger for um?entertainment.

Also, many people think Vampires are really cool. But, I do not think they are the coolest monster. No, I prefer werewolves over vampires. And those that prescribe to the idea that werewolves and vampires are enemies? You are mistaken. Generally, the tensions between them are nonexistent. They quite often get together, for poker. And to eat kittens.

The big wigs are getting wind of me typing. I?ll let you guys know when I get more info. For more information, keep tuned to this column.

?I shall not go gentle into that dark night, it?s full of vampires?-Mark Curry
(For more info about dark nights, see Dylan Thomas)