Way Of The Warrior
By Mark Curry

In all honesty, true battle lies in the ability for a person to be able to keep his honor. Since honor is rarely in much supply with current ne’er-do-wells, here are a few rules for people that have no scruples. And therein, are not honorable. Everyone knows erroneous unfunny puns are a fantastic fighting tactic, but here are some other facts from a true master.

1. Sneak up on people. Strike when they least suspect it. A coward wins if a coward has surprise on his side.

2. Putting ninja moves on someone when they obviously don’t know how to escape, then ask them to try to escape. This will psychologically weaken them.

3. Confuse the hell out of people to the point of nausea. Claim to be a ninja, then claim to also “Eat Ninja For Breakfast” Essentially, you should just eat yourself.

4.Despite any protest, continue being a jack-ass.

5. Remove all traces of a sense of humor or personality. They are a weakness you cannot afford. Bland vanilla is your best choice.

6. Show off your prowess to anyone and everyone. Kids, the elderly, anyone you see on the street. As you show it off, also brag.

7. Don’t listen to music. Or if you do, make sure it is only on rare occasions and it has no lyrics and it sucks. So if I were you, I’d just go with no music. Music is another weakness for the mighty. You don’t want to remember some song just as you are about to stomp on some hapless stranger.

8. Show compassion only to those that are worthy. Not many of those people exist, so treat everyone pretty badly, and insult anyone you might actually have feelings (honestly, you shouldn’t have feelings) for. Insulting a girl will win her over eventually, just have to do it repeatedly and viciously.

9. Don’t tell anyone that your father is cuddly. Your bloodline must represent ferocity. Make it seem like your mom is a dude also. Then you really are “All Man“. It helps if she looks like a man. Make her cut her hair if necessary.

10.If your opponent is caught unawares, the battle is 90% over. Uncomfortable conversation is a must for any true warrior. Just start mumbling on about stuff that seriously shouldn’t be openly discussed. You’ll nab ‘em yet!

So basically, lacking scruples, you need to freak out your opposition, then attack while his or her back is turned. Welcome sir, you are on your path to glory. Definitely not honor, but at least infamous glory.